Something new

[deanl]

Hey there.

I've been working on a new screenplay over the last few days. I was wondering if you guys would take a look at a few pages and let be know what you think.

Does it makes sense? Can you follow the action? I hate reading scripts and not knowing where I am.

All comments welcom. Good or bad.

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

A car pulls onto the gravel driveway of a average sized
house.

INT. HOUSE - HALLWAY

From inside, we see a dark figure working the lock.
Seconds later he's in. He heads upstairs.

INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM

The door opens allowing light from the hallway to flood
inside. The dark figure is JAMIE DOYLE, a young police
officer. Inside the bedroom and still asleep is JOHN
WATSON, a rough looking man in his early thirties.

JAMIE
John Watson?

JOHN
(yawning)
Jesus Christ... What time is it?
(irritated)
And who the **** are you?

JAMIE
Jamie Doyle sir. Mike Higgins sent
me to pick you up.

JOHN
What time is it?

Jamie checks his watch.

JAMIE
3:15 in the AM sir.

JOHN
You're fuckin kidding me.

JAMIE
No sir.

JOHN
Well what the **** happened.

JAMIE
It's Thomas Wilks.

JOHN instantly perks up.

JOHN
What about him?

JAMIE
He escaped.

JOHN is wide awake in an instant.

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

The station is almost empty. A cleaner listens to a
walkman while hoovering the floor. JOHN rushes past him
the turns back.

JOHN
Hey Tommy?

The cleaner takes of his earphones.

JOHN (CONT'D)
You seen Mike?

TOMMY
He's in your office.

JOHN
Thanks.

JOHN heads strait for his office. He gets there and goes
inside. The sign on the door reads "Detective JOHN. T.
WATSON."

INT. JOHN'S OFFICE

The place is a dump. Papers and files cover the walls,
tables, even the floor.

MIKE HIGGINS, a good looking detective in his late
twenties sits in John's chair with his legs up on the
table he looks through some papers.

MIKE
You know you really should think
about some kind of filing system.

JOHN
What the **** is going on Mike?

MIKE
They were moving him from
Docksfield.

JOHN
Why the **** was he being moved?

MIKE
We're not sure yet.

FLASHBACK:

EXT. MEDICAL FACILITY - DAY

The sign on the wall reads DOCKSFIELD MAXIMUM SECURITY
MEDICAL FACILITY.

MIKE (V.O.)
All we know is that they had been
testing some kind of new
electroshock treatment on him.

THOMAS HOMES a monster of a man is in a strait jacket and
strapped to a stretcher is being quickly loaded onto the
back of a "Paddy Wagon". An average looking Box Van that
has been fitted out to transport prisoners.

Thomas is unconscious, white goo dribbles from his mouth.
He is locked down in the back of the Van. Two armed
guards get in the back with him. Another guard gets in
the passenger seat, joined seconds later by the driver.

MIKE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
He was messed up pretty badly.
Then they got the order to move
him.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

The Van speeds down an empty country road.

INT. FRONT OF VAN - MOVING - DAY

The driver, BILL and the guard in the passenger seat TED,
shoot the **** .

BILL
I'll be glad when we get rid of
this fuckin fruit loop. He creeps
the **** out of me.

TED
Well I don't think he will be
doing anyone any harm anytime in
the foreseeable future...
I heard they messed him up real
bad back there.

INT. BACK OF VAN

CLOSE ON: Thomas' eyes. He is fully conscious now. But he
looks vacant. Like there is nothing there.

INT. FRONT OF VAN

BILL
Yeah well... couldn't have
happened to a nicer guy... Pass me
the coffee.

Ted takes a flask of coffee from his back. He pours a
drink and passes it to Bill. Bill takes his eyes of the
road to take a drink.

TED
(screaming)
Bill.

Ted looks ahead, and sees a naked women lying in the
middle of the road.

Bill slams on the breaks spilling hot coffee all over
himself. The transport to skids past naked women.

INT. BACK OF VAN

In the back of the van the two guards pick themselves up.
The two guards are HENRY and DOUG.

HENRY
(into radio)
What the **** is going on out
there?

INT. FRONT OF VAN

BILL
(into radio)
Just hold on. We're checking it
out.

Through the windshield we see Ted is out of the road he
has his gun drawn and is approaching the women.

EXT. ROAD

We see the women is unconscious, bruised and beaten. Ted
senses that there is no danger, puts his gun away and
calls Bill.

TED
Hey Bill, get out here.

Ted takes his jacket off and covers up the young girl.

TED (CONT'D)
Don't worry kid. We'll get you
some help.

Bill gets out of the truck and heads over to help Ted.

The two guys pick up the young girl and head back to the
van.

We hear two muffled squeaks, silenced gunshots. Both
guards are killed instantly.

They Fall to the ground dropping the young girl.

EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD

Hidden in the undergrowth by the side of the road is
CHERRY HOLMES, A beautiful young women. She holds two 9mm
hand guns, one silenced and pointed IN the direction of
the guards, the second unlicensed and held to the head of
a TERRIFIED YOUNG MAN.

CHERRY
Move.

She nudges the gun into the young mans back.

CHERRY (CONT'D)
I said move... NOW. You wanna die?
Move, run, now.

The young man stands up, gets onto the main road and
starts running.

EXT. ROAD

The young man runs right past the van and heads down the
road.

INT. BACK OF VAN

Henry and Doug are unaware of what is going on. They just
sit and wait.

DOUG
What the **** they doing?

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

They hear three loud unlicensed gunshots and jump to
their feet.

EXT. ROAD

Cherry is now stood up at the front of the transport. She
has the gun pointed in the air. She fires off a few more
rounds.

INT. BACK OF TRANSPORT

Doug looks out of the back window and see's The young man
running down the road.

DOUG
What the **** ?

He looks through the side window and see's Bill and Ted
lying dead on the floor.

DOUG (CONT'D)
Jesus Christ.

Doug starts to unlock the back door.

HENRY
What the **** are you doing?

DOUG
Bill and Ted are dead. He's
getting away.

HENRY
What? Who?

Doug unlocks the back of the transport and jumps out.
Henry follows.

EXT. ROAD

- Doug runs like a mad man trying to catch up with the
young Man.

- Henry looks back and see's Bill and Ted lying in a pool
of blood.

- He looks back to see Doug giving chase.

- He takes out his gun, drops to one knee and takes aim.

BOOM!

- He fires a single shot hitting the young man in the
back and knocking him to the ground.

- Doug stops dead, In shock He looks back at Henry. Then
screams.

DOUG
(shouting)
Henry no....

Cherry is stood right behind Henry. She fires a bullet
into the back of his head. Doug lets out another scream
and reaches for his gun. It's too late. Cherry fires off
the rest of the bullets in her gun. Cutting Doug down
before he even knows it.

Cherry turns and looks into the back of the transport.
She see's Thomas, her husband lying there in one **** of
a state. She smiles and lets out a shriek of pleasure.

CHERRY
Oh baby. I told you I'd come for
you.

She slams shut the doors of the transport and heads for
the drivers side. She gets inside...

INT. FRONT OF TRANSPORT

... turns on the radio, finds a song she likes, starts
the engine and speeds away. We hear her sing along to the
radio.

EXT. ROAD

The aftermath.

MIKE (V.O.)
Whoever it was left three officers
and a civilian dead in the road...
The one surviving officer is gonna
spend the rest of his days on a
set of wheels. Took a slug to the
spine.

INT. JOHN'S OFFICE

JOHN
Who was the girl in the road?

MIKE
The poor shmucks fiance. Married
for six days. Nineteen years old.
Apparently they were abducted at
gun point from a motel somewhere
in Utah, by a...

He picks up his notes.

MIKE (CONT'D)
(reading notes)
... A female, early twenties,
blond hair, blue eyes...

JOHN
(nodding)
Brandishing two 9mm.

MIKE
Yes.

JOHN
Cherry Wilks.

MIKE
That would be my guess.

JOHN
Jesus Christ Mike. Why the ****
was he being moved.

MIKE
Like I said. We don't know that
yet

JOHN
We got anything on the truck?

MIKE
Well we have her pretty face on
video up in Wyoming. She killed a
sixteen year old video store clerk
for the three hundred bucks in the
register... they picked up the
abandoned transport in Montana. It
was burnt out. No sign of them.

JOHN
Well they're heading North.

MIKE
What's North?

JOHN
John Watson.

MIKE
Her brother... I thought they
didn't get on?

JOHN
We she stabbed him eleven times.

MIKE
Blood's thicker than water I
guess.

If you make it through then Thanks for reading.

Despin out.

[ickle_jim]

some of the description could be a wee bit clearer but i really liked it! I could say one or two ways to improve it but i think you should generally give everything more character to it, like dont write; she finds a song she likes... tell us what sorta song she picks to listen to, it might be ironic or funny, or just give insight into her character, but at the mo its not used for anything. Little things like that i think make the difference between a good script and a great one.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ February 10, 2003 03:44 PM: Message edited by: ickle_jim ]</font>

[jeromecain]

Cool to start with,... Video would be ok but film would be a much better for it. Jerome, deaf filmmaker and videomaker

[ickle_jim]

dude, whats your obsession with film vs video? He is asking about his writing, no one cares about what f'ing medium he is guna use at this stage!

[GREATwarEAGLE]

I suggest getting into the habit of eliminating "we see" and "we hear". It's redundant.

[jeromecain]

write a script based on what kind of picture. I do not blame you for not being filmmaker. hang in there, videomaker. Jerome

[emjen]

It's well written and i understood the action, so my critique is going to be about the content.

The opening is nothing I've ever seen before. Scary bloke gets transported and his scray friends steal him, good cop has to chase scary bloke.

Also, if he's so scary, why do they only move him with only one van and 4 blokes in the van. And I also think those blokes in the van aren't supposed to stop with every thing and get out with every thing, although rules can be broken. So that's a bit unbelievable too.

I think you can agree with me on that, eh? It's a good opening, but why don't you use your capabilities/talent/whatever you want to call it on something original. Try your best to show us things we have never seen before. I think you're able to.

I mean what have I already seen?
- scary bloke wakes up and kills cops
- corrupt cop frees scary bloke
- scary bloke friends free scary bloke
- van crashes into something, scary bloke can free himself
blahblah

Try to ask yourself what you havent seen yet. I haven't seen oompa loompas take over a van with parashutes for instance.

[Generic Skinhead]

It's good man, very easy to read. It does sorta remind me of something I read in a comic long ago though.

Keep up the good work. You seem to be concentrating on writing alot lately. You're still shooting stuff I hope.

[ickle_jim]

in reading it i too thought it was abit generic, but id rather watch another good film on the same topic than a **** one that tries something new. But yeah, nothing wrong with trying to be abit original [img]smile.gif[/img] I think you are a talanted writer, just keep at it